Why You Keep Saying Yes When You Want to Say No
I don’t remember when it started or what exactly set it in motion, but I used to be the girl, the friend, the professional who made space for everyone else on my schedule and set myself aside when I felt that’s what was needed of me. And being completely honest, that girl can sometimes peek through. Whatareyagonnado?
Sometimes, it was asked of me, to never mind what was on my plate because I was needed elsewhere. And continuing the honesty I ask of my clients, a lot of the time it was a self-imposed expectation. Only, I wasn’t fully aware that I was doing it. Most importantly, more times than I can count, I didn’t want to set myself aside. But I did it because I knew I could. If anyone could complete the thing that was needed, it was me.
The minute I sensed someone was about to ask or everyone looking at me to take the lead, my jaw would clench and my neck and shoulders would stiffen. I would give in and "volunteer" to help or worse, take on the entire thing. When you do things so many times, you get good at them. One thing I can’t deal with is getting good at things I didn’t like doing. Jaja, the joke was on me.
Now, this tendency to get good at taking things on also made me the reliable one, the dependable one, the one everyone could count on, which I wore like a badge of honor. That has been my brand for a long time. Anything that was hard, anything that needed to be done correctly the first time. Can Cynthia do it? The answer was almost always "yes."
I am sure this has something to do with my childhood and being handed big responsibilities growing up, but that is not the purpose of this piece. Instead, I offer these insights to spark your awareness and remind you of two things: 1) it’s not on you to manage others’ expectations and 2) you always have a choice.
Knowing what I know now, what would I say to myself? Well, for one, I wouldn’t tell myself what to do because knowing me, I’d do the complete opposite.
Rather, I would ask myself:
• "Who specifically asked you to (fill in the blank)?"
• "Where did you get the idea that you had to be the one to (fill in the blank)?"
• "When you say yes to (fill in the blank), what are you saying no to?"
• And possibly my favorite one: "If you didn't have to manage anyone else's expectations, what would you choose to do?"
These questions help me pause long enough to notice what role I am playing in my own situation. The answer matters less than becoming aware that there is a pattern in the first place.
Why does this distinction matter?
It matters because, for the most part, we move through life in a state of reaction after reaction. When, if at all, do we ever stop to decide if that thing that person said was actually what made us upset or if it was something entirely different hiding beneath the surface? Or what about when we experience joy? Do we stop long enough to examine where that joy is actually coming from?
I certainly wasn’t.
Which, by the way, is completely normal and valid. It is also not something I learned at home or in school. I learned it just a few short years ago and consciously remind myself to practice it to this day.
It took me a really long time to realize what was actually happening in my body: thoughts, emotions, and the actions I was taking reactively because of them. You could say I am still recovering and will probably never stop. Not because I am being self-deprecating, but because I know how easy it is to fall back into old patterns.
Becoming the person everyone can count on and gradually realizing what that costs me has been one of the most valuable lessons I have learned to date.
The challenge is rarely that you do not know what to say in the moment. It is staying connected to what you know while considering the situation in front of you.
The harder part is giving someone space to have a reaction without making that reaction mean anything about your decision.
For me, that realization changed everything.
Someone experiencing their own feelings about a choice I made does not mean it is my responsibility to manage them. Someone disagreeing with me does not mean I betrayed my values. Someone having a reaction does not create an obligation for me to fix it.
And I know that lands differently when you trust yourself enough to believe it.
If you're up for a small experiment, grab a piece of paper and draw a line across the page. Label one end "me" and the other "everyone else." As you think about the last time you said yes when you wanted to say no, place a mark somewhere on that line to represent where your attention, energy, and decision-making were focused. There is no right answer and no need to overthink it. Just notice where you put the mark and what comes up for you. Awareness has a way of telling the truth before we're ready to explain it.
Learning to notice these moments changed a lot for me, but it did not happen overnight. It still takes practice.
Because this is something I know well, and my coaching clients work through regularly, I created a focused seven-day digital workbook. Not to tell you what choices to make, but to help you notice the moment when your mark on the line begins to move so you can decide, deliberately, whether you want to move with it.
If you want more daily coaching musings and creative prompts to deepen your self‑awareness and reconnect with your creative self, come join me over on Coaching.Creatives.
