When Gratitude Becomes Obligation: How Cultural Shame and Limiting Beliefs Shape Our Dreams and How to Break Free

In Spanish, we have a word that has the ability to bring out shame in a way that stings like no other. Malagradecida/o literally means ungrateful, but culturally it means something much heavier. It is what you are called if you are not thankful for what you have or what you are given in the right way. Even if it is not what you wanted, needed, or even asked for. You should just be thankful.

Oh, the judgment that ensues if you do not do this correctly. I have been on that end of shame, and honestly, I can still put myself there all on my own because it was a well ingrained skill I learned in my youth. I remember being handed things I did not want and being told to smile anyway. I remember wanting something different and feeling the heat rise in my chest because wanting more felt like betrayal. But one thing I was not going to be was malagradecida. That is how early it starts.

What no one says out loud is that maybe you want to practice being less judgmental with yourself and others. It is true, practicing gratitude is a healthy habit, but maybe not when it comes as an obligation. Gratitude and obligation are not the same thing. Gratitude versus obligation in a cultural setting is a distinction many of us were never taught.

Growing up with the threat of being labeled not grateful enough builds something in you. It builds this idea that everything you have is all you are going to get or even deserve. Wanting more or different or better than what you have experienced becomes a risk. One that does not feel safe or stable or guaranteed. You are told that wanting more means you are forgetting where you come from and erasing the sacrifices made to get here. These beliefs came from survival, protection, and love mixed with fear. Our families carried these beliefs because they lived through scarcity, instability, and sacrifice. Who wants to be that person who forgets? Not me. And I bet not you either. So we do not take up space. We do not come into our own. We do not stretch or test our potential. Why do we normalize building these walls around our people and ourselves?

These walls, these beliefs, limit you and those around you like nothing else. This invisible wall lets you go only so far while still being able to see everything else out of reach or so you learn to believe. It serves as a reminder that those things are not meant for you. And yet you still see them. You still secretly want them. But you do not allow yourself to want them because you have been taught there is not enough of the good things to go around. They are not meant for people like you. Scarcity mindset becomes the air you breathe. Know your place.

And then shame, guilt, and fear enter the room and put their arms around you tightly.

Yiiiiiiiiiikes.

Who wants to tell these long-term uninvited homies to get the f out?

I can tell you that it is not easy. Even after you have said your goodbyes, some of them will pop by from time to time, and the pleasing hostess in me reluctantly lets them in because this time they will not be so bad, right? Wrong. But let us be kind to ourselves.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a different experience than what you know. Going after your dreams does not change your past, and it most certainly does not automatically make you ungrateful. Being ungrateful makes you ungrateful. Being grateful via obligation makes you indebted, fearful, disconnected, and it keeps you small.

How do allowing these limiting beliefs to run your life serve you? Short answer: they do not.

Recognizing and naming them, however, can be liberating and cathartic all at the same time. It is also an act of defiance. Having grown up with these invisible walls tightening around me, it makes sense that once I outgrew the limited space they confined me to, I felt a dire need to tear them down. I did not realize how small I had made myself until I tried to step into something bigger. Who can blame me? Who will blame you?

It is not about being ungrateful and it is also not about being obligated to be grateful for your experiences until now. It is about looking back at how far you have come and consciously choosing a different path. Why must this be so dramatic? Normalize wanting the life you want and going after it, whether it is the same or different from the life you have lived until now. Normalize being human.

For me, wanting a bigger career always feels like an inner and outer battle. Never mind having to prove myself externally by performing in a certain way, and then I also have to justify the reason behind me wanting a bigger career. The mental and spiritual gymnastic skills it takes is exhausting. I have talked myself out of bigger things. I have allowed others ideas to take center stage. I have felt the hole in my chest the size of my phone. And I am working toward something meaningful and important to me.

Understanding that my people and I bet yours too were doing the best they could with the information they had helps me process and move forward. Going after what you want is not reserved for a certain type of person with a certain type of background. It is reserved for those willing to break down the walls keeping them back.

And if you get the urge to guilt yourself or others out of wanting something different or god forbid more, take a deep breath and let those thoughts go.

When you feel ready, you can try something small and creative. Grab a piece of paper and draw the walls you have carried. They do not have to look like real walls. They can be shapes, colors, scribbles, whatever feels right. Then draw one small opening in them. A crack, a doorway, a window, even a tiny tear. Something that shows the space you have already created for yourself. Sit with it for a moment. Notice what it feels like to see your own expansion on paper. You do not have to fix the whole wall today. Just acknowledge the opening you made. That is enough.

If you want more daily coaching musings and creative prompts to deepen your self‑awareness and reconnect with your creative self, come join me over on Coaching.Creatives.